Imagine you get a text from a friend asking if you want to hang out tonight. How would you respond?

For most people it would be fairly straightforward- you’d think about whether you want to meet up based on how busy you are, how tired you’re feeling, how much you enjoy spending time with this particular friend, and so on.

Whether or not you decide to go, it isn’t a particularly difficult or stressful decision.

But for someone living with social anxiety disorder, the message would prompt a very different response.

It can be tough to understand social anxiety disorder since social situations are something we all deal with on a daily basis. Why are some people so frightened by the idea of spending time with others, while most of us manage just fine?

Putting aside the question of how and why some people come to experience social anxiety disorder, for now simply try to put yourself in the shoes of someone for whom every social interaction is a stressful ordeal which affects every part of how they think, feel and act.

Thoughts

If you were diagnosed with social anxiety, the simple sound of the text alert might be a jolt of panic in and of itself. Who is trying to contact you? What do they want- what have I done to upset them?

When you look at the message, your first thought is that it would be nice to spend some time with a friend. But then all kinds of worries and what-ifs start to fill your head. What if your friend invites other people who you don’t know? What if you go somewhere too crowded and it’s impossible to follow the conversation? What if, after a drink or two, you end up saying something stupid and making an idiot of yourself?

As you um and err about how to respond, you try to mentally ‘solve’ each of these potential scenarios. If other people are invited you can just make sure you sit next to someone you know and only talk to them. If it’s too crowded you can just keep quiet and listen- you don’t have to speak up.

But for each worry you quash, another pops up. What if you’re expected to know all about the latest football match or TV show and asked for your opinion? What if your friend actually meant to text someone else and acts surprised when you turn up? Some part of you knows that these worries are ridiculous, but they still feel like very real problems that need to be solved before you can feel safe accepting the invitation.
As these worries pile up, another voice enters the fray of your mind. This voice tells you that your friend doesn’t really want to hang out with you- they’re just inviting you out of pity. WHy would anyone want to spend time with you? You don’t have anything interesting to say. If you go, you’ll just stammer your way through the conversation and everyone will think you’re boring and weird.

Thoughts like these are triggered automatically in the minds of people with social anxiety. The mind becomes an expert at generating reasons to be afraid of other people’s judgement and predicting worst-case scenarios. Making a mistake in public, being judged or scrutinised, or being somehow inadequate in the eyes of others are common themes in this stream of negative thoughts which makes even minor social contact seem like an insurmountable challenge.

And then there’s the inner critic- the voice telling you that you aren’t good enough and pointing out all your flaws to you. You begin to obsess over your own shortcomings, letting perceived mistakes play out in your mind over and over. The more you dwell on these harsh inner criticisms, the more your confidence plummets.

Feelings

The constant stream of worries leaves you feeling tense and anxious. You might experience physical symptoms of this worry such as blushing, sweating or feeling sick in your stomach. These physical effects trigger another wave of thoughts: ‘what if people notice how sweaty I am? They’ll think I’m awkward and disgusting.’

Your worries also keep your attention fully focussed on yourself: you become hypervigilant for any sign of anxiety-inward or outward- and obsess over whether others will notice. The first pangs of anxiety therefore end up spiralling- sometimes to the point of panic attacks.

Fear isn’t the only emotion typical in social anxiety. All the negativity in your head can create a severe lack of confidence and self-esteem. When you think about social situations you begin to feel helpless, out of your depth. This leads not only to a lack of motivation to take part in social situations but also an unwillingness to engage in them when you’re forced to.

You feel so unconfident around others that you don’t even try to talk or laugh along, since you’re so certain you’ll fail to make a good impression.

Ironically, this decision to stay on the edges of the social world is precisely the thing that might make others see you as awkward or uninteresting. Your fears and beliefs are actually creating the very situation they’re trying to warn you against.

Actions

Your fearful predictions, your harsh inner criticism and the fear they produce all provide strong motivators to avoid social contact. So when your friend texts you, it’s very likely that you’ll decide not to go out, even if some part of you wants to.

When you reply that you’re busy or you can’t make it tonight (or don’t reply at all, since even messaging can be a daunting prospect), you might feel a temporary sense of relief. The what ifs and the knot in your stomach ease off, and you tell yourself you did the right thing.

But before long the worries might come creeping back. What if my friend hates me for not spending time with them? What if they’re all at the bar now talking about me? I’ve really screwed up this time, I might as well never hang out with those friends again. The thoughts escalate and spiral until you’re convinced that avoiding all contact is the only option.

There’s another strong emotion that follows on from your decision to stay in: shame. On some level you might be aware that your fears are irrational or exaggerated, even if they feel very real. So when you give in to them and let them dictate how you act, you feel ashamed for having given up.

You think about how easily other people relax and have fun with their friends, and wonder why it’s so hard for you. You begin to wonder if you’ll ever stop feeling this way.

A different ending

But let’s say you do decide to go out and see your friend, despite your expectations of disaster and the butterflies in your stomach. First of all, you notice that he or she hasn’t randomly decided to invite a bunch of strangers without telling you. Because nobody does that. And they’ve picked the usual bar/restaurant/coffee shop you normally hang out in as the venue. So that’s two of your fearful predictions debunked before you’ve even said a word.

When you get to talking, you might feel a little nervous, but your friend doesn’t seem to mind. You realise that they probably haven’t even noticed as they’ve got their own worries and stresses to deal with, just like everyone has.

But as the evening wears on, one of your fears comes true: you’re so focussed on appearing normal and not showing how on edge you are that you totally fail to follow the thread of the conversation. And now your friend is looking at you expectantly. You knew this would happen!

But what happens next? You awkwardly admit that you didn’t catch what they said, expecting your friend to breathe fire or smash a coffee mug over your head. But instead, they laugh, make some gentle teasing comment about you being a bit absent minded, repeat what they said, and the moment is quickly forgotten.

The world doesn’t end just because you made one little faux pas and your friend doesn’t abandon you for being a less than perfect conversationalist. Life goes on.

Now that you’ve seen that your feared predictions aren’t coming true, you start to really relax and build up a bit of confidence. You laugh, tell a few stories of your own and even- much to your surprise- start to have a good time. You come home later feeling better about yourself and the inner critic in your mind is, for now, much quieter.

Breaking the pattern

As the above example shows, living with crippling social anxiety can lead to you getting caught up in a web of thoughts and feelings which affect how you choose to act. Your actions then further reinforce your negative thoughts and your feelings of helplessness and the cycle continues.

The key to getting out of this web is to break the pattern. Act in a way that runs counter to the voice in your head. Even if every fibre in your being is telling you to shut yourself in and never see anyone, deciding to do the opposite is the only way to prove your fears wrong. The more you try this, the more your confidence grows and the more experience you have to draw on when those negative thoughts come back.

Treatment for social anxiety aims to help you face your fears in a safe and structured way, all under the support of trained psychologists. To find out more about how the process works, get in touch with our team.